Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.