Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!