Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.