some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.