16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.