Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.