Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.