“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU