Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.