North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting