Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.