Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
“That’s what” – She
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.