Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.