My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.