My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.