Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly