some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Stop being racist to kettles.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?