My purse is deeper than some people.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.