Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
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