After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
My purse is deeper than some people.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.