The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.