Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Stop being racist to kettles.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.