All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.