3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!