The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.