There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.