Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
My purse is deeper than some people.