Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.