just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”