Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.