There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.