Donating blood today to make room for more food
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….