When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on