My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.