People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.