Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.