“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.