Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?