I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.