Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.