Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.