A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.