I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.