Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!