are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair