My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.