Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church