They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea