I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.