The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.